How to Tell an Untruth
I will not question your integrity here, but I hope the powerful tips on how to lie, fib, and tell untruths provided below will only be used for your greatest good. I’m not a big supporter of deception in normal circumstances, but sometimes circumstances are far from normal. I lost my job and with it I also lost a company car and cell phone. This would be bad enough, but I also spent all my savings the week before on an engagement ring. To make matters worse I then lied to my new fiancé, by concealing the fact I was fired. I may also have accidentally planted the idea I received a huge promotion. So basically, I’m screwed.
In my desperate fear of getting caught in this lie I’ve created a list of rules for telling untruths to follow and remember:
Lying 101 – How To Lie
Stick with your routine. Small changes will not be noticed, but be careful not to deviate from your normal routine drastically or you’ll be found out. Use tiny increments or baby steps when incorporating any changes in your life as this will less likely to be noticed.
Don’t leave evidence. If you’re at home all day watching television, you need to clean up after yourself before your significant other gets home. Another point to consider is positive evidence, if you use this time to exercise or be productive with your model train set be ready and weary about explaining how the marvel was accomplished.
Act the part. There can also be indirect evidence; if you are normally miserable from a horrid job or situation, your fresh, light, carefree mood may be a trigger to your lover that something is amiss. If you came home from work every day miserable, you must continue this charade. The key is to use body language like hunched shoulders to give the appearance of an insurmountable force pushing down on you. Limited speech works well too, which includes mumbling and grunts.
Tell stories. These can be anecdotes about a client or co-workers. This connects to the first three rules. You are free to make up your own stories or have your company mole supply juicy tales from your ex- water cooler, use the latter if your girl has some connection to your past employer, which leads us to the next rule.
Beware the trail. If something is going to burn you it will be this. How entwined are the people from work enmeshed into your social life? Does she have friends at the company? You must tread lightly with this rule and attempt to cut out third parties completely. If the connection is dangerously close she will find out, best to come clean or leave the county.
Caution – Never ask someone to stay silent because they will only spill the beans that much quicker.
Beware Chance Encounters. These can be direct encounters with your mark or a third party. Remember that women talk and if her friend sees you rollerblading at the park with the dog in the middle of the day it will be texted to your girl before your even roll past in a power stride. You never know who you will run into, so watch yourself.
Use these methods below to protect yourself from chance encounters.
- Camouflage – the act of blending into your surroundings
- Disguise – appear to be someone or something else. (A personal favorite of mine)
- Dazzle – A defence mechanism. I.E. – throw down smoke and disappear.
Make use of distraction. For my girl, I use celebrity scandal magazines or remind her she has True Blood and Vampire Diaries saved up on the PRV. If her mind is busy she has less time to be deeply contemplating her suspicions.
The Jig is up! Caught in a Lie
You’ve been caught. At this point your wit must take over before she can throw you on the fire; there are two directions you can go:
1. More Lying– These are the little fibs that always come back to bite us. I don’t want to use the word lie, because nobody wants to be a liar. Instead I will use the term misdirection. Lead her to a false truth with details, specific details. If you risk being caught the bigger lie is always the better lie.
2. Bending the truth – This path is save if you run the risk of being caught because your argument is still based on real truth, even if it is only a sliver. Beware perjuring yourself.
a. Exaggerations: over playing or stretching the truth.
b. Understatements: minimizing or downplaying aspects of the truth.
c. Concealment: leaving out important details of the truth.
Caution – Never begin to believe in the lie yourself.
This may seem obvious, but it can happen.
Finally, I need to say that even if you follow all the rules to the letter your significant other may still find you out. I’m still searching for the key to blinding this “third eye” and when I know, you’ll know.
So to the rest of my truthfully challenged and dishonest friends I say good luck. Remember it is important to always tell the truth, but it is also important to know how to lie!
Note: You may be surprised to read this article about How to Lie at the Keys to Optimal Living, as it contradicts everything else on the website. I wrote this article a year ago as part of a fictitious and humorous story, which is the reason for the exaggerated fictional beginning. The story never ended up being used and as it is mildly amusing I decided to post it in its original form. As stated above I trust your integrity, so have a quick laugh and get back to honest optimal living.
“Lying Couple” Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici/FreeDigitalPhotos.net
“Under the Microscope” Image courtesy of ambro/FreeDigitalPhotos.net
“Peeking Liar” Image courtesy of sippakorn/FreeDigitalPhotos.net
“Caught in a Lie” Image courtesy of stockimages/FreeDigitalPhotos.net